Week 5 – AIC – Where’d I Put My Preparation H?

======================= 1:07pm APril 7, 2013

Our lines tangled
Hooked at eye contact
You love me
I love you back

Stormy seas
Sharks want such pretty things
You loved me?
Can you see?
I’d love you back

You’re on safe ground
I love your laugh
Homeward bound
I love you back

It ain’t great. It ain’t the worst I’ve written, either (unfortunately :-).

Swampy’s left the scene.

Let’s bring Professor in.

Analysis:

Verse 1 is stable. It has 4 lines (stable). XAXA rhyming scheme. “Hooked at eye contact” is a bit awkward, but it won’t let me go. OK.

Verse 2 has 5 lines. Unstable. The content is unstable. The line lengths look unstable (stress analysis to follow). Couplet rhyme across lines 3 and 4. That’s a bit weird for an unstable theme. Yet, the couplet may allow the melody to stop and linger, then “surprise” the ear with the fifth line, a refrain, wispy wishful apres-thought. No, I won’t hit the delete key yet – let’s wait and see if it works itself melodically.

Verse 3 is four lines. Stable. “You’ve come back home” is a stable, resolving kind of theme. ABAB rhyme scheme. Stable. “Laugh” and “back” are the best rhyme I could find which still fits the theme of the verse. “Ground” and “bound” form a perfect rhyme and may hide the weakness of the B-rhymes.

At this point, the rhyme scheme is not being preserved across the three verses. I could try to set verse 1 into an ABAB scheme by rhyming “tangled” or by replacing “tangled” with a more rhymable synonym.

Let’s explore that notion and see if it goes.

Bleah, rhymes for “tangled” are few – angled, entangled. Actually, I like like entangled better than tangled. It flows off of “lines” better. Search and replace:

Our lines entangled
Hooked at eye contact
You love me
I love you back

Now, this interesting. Mr. Thesaurus says that tangle has a plethora of synonyms

snarl, ravel, knot, mat, entangle; kink, twist, intertwist; intertwine, interlace, interweave; disorder, disarrange, muss, mess, dishevel, shuffle, ruffle, rumple, tousle; complicate, confuse, jumble, scramble, Sl. ball up, muddle; jam, tie up, delay.

2. snare, ensnare, Archaic. trepan, net, enmesh, trap, entrap.

.. and, they all cast a darker shadow upon verse 1!

Ah, and I see a way to remove the awkwardness of “eye contact”. It’s done it’s job, thanks for the memories:

Our lines entangled
Eyes were hooked
You love me
I love you back

The rhyme scheme is XXXX – no rhyme with a vengeance. Oddly, I tend to like rhyme, but I’m not offended. Something flows here.

Ahhhh – “Eyes” and “I”. Sonic connection. Oh, and “tangled” and “back” form a very weak assonance-ish rhyme that.

So, V1 (short-hand for verse 1), is stable and unstable at the same time. Interesting. We were meant for each other, yet …

For now, I’m giving up on Forcing this to be Country. I dunno, maybe I shouldn’t pre-pidgeon-hole?

Pope Pat says “write fearlessly”…

[Yessss, but is this a song or an assignment, my preciousssss???]

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